What to Do with All the Toilet Paper You Bought

In an apocalypse, you can never have too much toilet paper

Image by author (CC BY-SA 4.0)

You saw the news: In preparation of the coronapocalypse, people stormed the stores and fought over toilet paper as if it was some sort of Black-poop Friday. Smart as you are, you knew that there must be a good reason why everyone is panic buying this sanitary item. So what did you do? You went on your own toilet-paper buying frenzy.

Now you’re back home, with some bruises and scratches, but victorious. You’re sitting in the middle of your living room surrounded by mountains of toilet paper, cracking up into a maniacal victory laugh: bwahahahahaha.

But now what? What do you do with your toilet paper empire? After all, you’re still unsure why everyone, and you yourself, bought so much of it. But don’t fret, I’m here to help. Toilet paper is indeed an essential survival item and you can never have too much of it. So let’s dive right in. Here are 5 essential uses for toilet paper that will help you get through the Armageddon.

1. Build a second layer of protection

Nothing will keep you as safe from the dreaded virus as hunkering down at home under self quarantine. But the walls of your home just provide one layer of protection. To be extra safe, it’s important to have a second layer. So make use of your rolls of toilet paper and build yourself a fortress:

Image by author (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Not only is building a fortress going to provide you with an essential second layer of protection, but it will also teach you the all-important fortress-building skill, which will undoubtedly be in high demand in a few months, when we’re thrown back into the Middle Ages.

2. Stay safe when going outside

We’ve heard of the dangers of going outside. The virus might be anywhere and everywhere. So it’s important to protect yourself when you’re leaving the house. Unfortunately, however, it’s become increasingly hard to find hazmat suits. But don’t worry. You can do the next best thing and make your own protective suit:

Image by author (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Pay particular attention to wrap the rolls of toilet paper tightly around your head. Your eyes, your nose, and your mouth are the most obvious points of entry for the virus. But don’t neglect the rest of your body! Although there is no evidence yet that the virus can infect you through other orifices, you can never be safe enough.

3. Enforce social distancing

Wrapping yourself in toilet paper will minimize how much of your body is exposed to the outside world. This is a useful first line of defense against becoming infected when you’re out on a supply run. But as you’ve probably heard many times by now, this won’t be enough. It’s also absolutely critical to keep social distance. This not only means locking yourself up for weeks on end, but it also means that when you have no other choice but to go outside, you need to ensure that other people don’t come too close to you.

But how close is too close?

Experts seem to agree you should always keep a minimum distance of at least six feet from anyone out there. So make sure to always carry plenty of toilet paper rolls with you when you go outside. If anyone dares coming closer, just enforce your social distance by throwing one or two rolls at them:

Image by author (CC BY-SA 4.0)

4. Keep in shape

We don’t know if it will happen, but just in case, you need to be prepared. I’m talking of course of the virus mutating in such a way that it begins to turn your fellow citizens into zombies. When that happens, you’ll need to be in perfect running shape.

Luckily, you can prepare for that eventuality. All you need is to put some of your furniture on an incline (a table or door will do) and stack your toilet paper rolls at the top in such a way that they’ll roll down under your feet while you run:

Image by author (CC BY-SA 4.0)

As you’ve got enough toilet paper to do this exercise for at least 12 months every day, please don’t neglect staying in shape. I know it’s tempting to just sit on your sofa and binge watch The Walking Dead over and over until the pandemic is over. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t watch the show — it’s educational material after all. I’m just suggesting that you watch the show while working out on your toilet paper treadmill.

Bonus tip: when you’re all sweaty after a running session, don’t shower. Let the sweat dry on your skin and clothes. The resulting body odor will further help you with social distancing. And if too much gunk accumulates in your face, armpits, and intimate parts, just wipe it away with some toilet paper.

5. Avert loneliness

After a few months of self quarantine you might begin to feel lonely. This can affect your sanity and you will want to do something to ensure that you’ll stay in good mental health.

The supplies you’ll need to stay in perfect mental shape and fight off loneliness are

  • a broomstick,
  • some rope,
  • some lipstick,
  • a saw,
  • a mop, and (of course)
  • some rolls of toilet paper.

Tom Hanks had his volleyball Wilson to keep him company when he was cast away on a deserted island. It helped him cope with the situation and ultimately survive the whole ordeal. So the importance of companionship cannot be understated. It’s critical to survive. After all, we’re social animals and being locked up in solitary confinement, even if it’s for our own good, is harmful to our psyche. Luckily, with the above-mentioned items you can build yourself a companion. Just put them together as illustrated in the following image:

Image by author (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Specifically, begin by sliding some rolls of toilet paper over the broomstick to make the body of your new companion. Then make the arms by first fastening a piece of rope to the broomstick at shoulder height and then passing the two loose ends of rope through more rolls of toilet paper. Make sure to make a big knot at the end of each dangling piece of rope so that the toilet paper arms don’t slide off. Your companion’s head can easily be made with a few additional rolls of toilet paper. To make the result more lifelike, use the lipstick to paint a mouth and saw off the end of your mop and place it on the very top of your new friend (it’ll make some beautiful hair).

I have baptized my companion “Wynonna.” She’s now all soggy, so I recommend against this christian practice.

Wrapping up

As you can see, there are plenty of good reasons to stock up on toilet paper. So ignore the naysayers who make fun of you. You know that the main reason you bought all that toilet paper is not because you’re concerned with the corona virus causing explosive diarrhea. What you’re worried about is survival and, as we’ve seen, toilet paper is essential for that purpose.

Now, the above-mentioned uses of toilet paper of course don’t make up an exhaustive list. In fact, there are so many uses for this indispensable item that listing every one of them would be too time consuming. Still, I wouldn’t want to be remiss of not pointing out a few additional uses (even if some of them are very obvious):

  • in case you begin to starve, hunt pigeons by throwing toilet paper rolls at them;
  • if you’re still quarantined by Christmas, use toilet paper to wrap gifts in it and to build yourself a toilet paper Christmas tree;
  • barricade your door with toilet paper to prevent the virus from entering your home (don’t forget to stick some toilet paper into the keyhole);
  • sew your own toilet paper clothes (they’re quite fashionable);
  • make toilet paper diapers for all the corona babies that will be among us in a few months;
  • play toilet paper jenga to pass the time; and
  • most obviously, if you run out of toothpaste, chew toilet paper.

David B. Clear likes to talk about himself in the third person. If you enjoyed this story, make sure to subscribe to his newsletter to get notified whenever he publishes a new one.

Science fan, cartoonist, PhD, eukaryote. Doesn't eat cats, dogs, nor other animals.

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